Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser leads the victim to question their own reality, memory, perceptions, or even their sanity. This is a very effective form of manipulation, where the victim feels invalid, due to their supposed defective perception of reality.
Origin
The term gaslighting originates from Patrick Hamilton’s play called Gas Light (1938). This play became very popular and was subsequently adapted into a movie called Gaslight (1944).
In the story, a deceitful husband tries to find his wife’s aunt’s missing jewels, while hiding his true intentions. In order not to be caught by his wife, he convinces her that she is a kleptomaniac and that she is only imagining the sound from the attic and the dimming of the gas-fueled lights in their house, which occurred as the result of the husband's search for the jewellery. He persuades his wife that she is hallucinating and nearly drives her to insanity.
As a result of the movie’s success and popularity, gaslighting became a term commonly used to describe emotional abuse and/or manipulation that causes one to question their own sanity.
Examples of gaslighting
Gaslighting is not as uncommon as one may think. I am going to state some techniques used by gaslighters and include some examples of what gaslighting may sound like:
Disclaimer: Not everyone who says these phrases is automatically a gaslighter. Gaslighting is intentional and a gaslighter knows exactly what they're saying and what they're doing.
Countering
This occurs when the gaslighter questions one's memory. They use it to question the victim's experience, behaviour and thoughts with an intention of diverting their focus. This makes the victim focus more on themselves and if what they are saying is accurate, rather than focusing on the bigger picture.
For example:
"I don't remember saying that, are you sure you're not imagining it?"
"You never remember things accurately, are you sure?"
"You have a bad memory."
Withholding
This means that someone refuses to engage in a conversation. This involves pretending not to understand someone, brushing them off and shutting down the conversation.
For example:
"I don't know what you are talking about."
"You are just trying to confuse me."
"It's irrelevant to talk about it with you."
"You wouldn't understand it anyway,"
Trivializing
When a person belittles someone's emotions and feelings. They lead the victim into thinking their emotions are invalid, that they are too sensitive. and the way they react is exaggerated.
Trivializing also occurs when gaslighters are apologizing, or at least want the person to think they are. While apologizing they use the phrase: "I am sorry you feel that way.". By this phrase, they indicate that rather than the problem being their actions, the problem is the way you feel about them, whilst essentially making it out like you are the one in wrong.
For example:
"I am sorry you feel that way."
"Everyone around you isn't the problem the problem is you."
"You are too emotional."
"It's not a big deal."
"I did all those things for you."
Denial
When a person pretends to forget events or how they happened. They may deny having said or done something or accuse someone of making things up.
For example:
"I don't remember saying that, I think you made that up."
"That never happened."
Diverting
Diverting one's focus onto something irrelevant to the conversation. This technique is mainly used simultaneously with other techniques to divert the victim's focus from the abuse they are experiencing to their own capability.
For example:
"Why are you so defensive all the time? You are attacking me."
"Did you get enough sleep? You are acting weird."
Stereotyping
A person using gaslighting techniques may intentionally use negative stereotypes of a person’s gender, race, ethnicity, sexuality, nationality, or age to manipulate them.
For example:
"You are too young to understand."
"You should act like a lady and not say things like that."
- These examples are quite commonly used, however, gaslighting occurs only if the person using them is trying to stop you from questioning their wrongdoing or manipulate you into doing what they want you to do.
If you enjoyed this article, go check out the sources:
Medical News Today