Anxiety is becoming more and more common nowadays, especially since the pandemic started. I believe when I say that I am not the only one struggling with this issue and find it hard, if not terrible to fall asleep or live my life to the fullest. This article may also be a way for me to get thoughts out of my mind and I hope it helps you in any way possible. Anxiety may be triggered by many things, and this is mine.
First off, I would like to note that my anxiety is not that tough or harsh as one might think it would be. Many people may have had the most horrible night of their life to become a victim of anxiety, other people might have seen something monstrous, or others could just be hit with the tightness at random. My turning point was this:
It all started when I was around 6 years old and my siblings were watching one of Harry Potter movies. I was watching it secretly with them behind their backs, and now I am realising I should have just slept through it. Anyway, as I was watching it, there was a scene where a dark chamber full of bones appeared, which is when I realised that one day, I will die. I was crying, breathing hard and hadn't stopped till I fell asleep.
Since I was little, I cannot remember much more of the following days or years. Yet, when I was maybe 10 years old, I randomly remembered that night. This is when I started thinking about death seriously. Such a young age, right? During the day I was too busy and distracted to be thinking about it. However, when the night came, I wouldn't want to fall asleep. Because falling asleep meant not being aware of myself. It meant that I was going to be out for 8 hours straight and not knowing about it, which is what I imagine death is like, completely nothing.
It was hard for me to fall asleep, but the body always gave itself away to the sleep, especially because I was so young. After some time I was capable of falling asleep without feeling so much tightness everywhere around my heart. The other side of things is that the feeling comes back every one or 2 years for a month, if not more. Especially when going through stressful events. In these months there are nights with only 2 - 4 hours of sleep or none. To get through this I usually try to make myself tired by reading a book, and most of the time it works.
Unfortunately, there is no moral of the story. The intention of writing and sharing my own experience is to get people to understand that they are not alone. You are not alone. You are free to share your story and put all of the piled up emotions out. If you do not have anyone to talk to, try to write it down on a random piece of paper or you can write us. We will be happy to help anyone who needs it.